It is frustrating to know I cannot make my body do what I want it to do. When I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome* my whole world changed. I went from someone with lots of energy to someone with little energy. I am tired all the time. There had been times in my life when other people have controlled me, but even then, I was in charge of my body.
The doctors do not know what caused it. I had a sinus infection that just seemed never to get better. At first, the doctors thought I had lupus but after a while, they diagnosed me with chronic fatigue syndrome. I tried to power through it, but it did not work. I had plenty of stamina before having chronic fatigue syndrome; I worked multiple jobs so I could homeschool my kids, but since then I have given up all but one of those jobs.
Now, I have to plan 2-3 hours of downtime each afternoon. I cannot force myself to do anything – my body is tired, my brain is tired. The hardest thing is trying to give my girls enough attention. Financially, it is sometimes difficult, but we always have food on the table and gas in the car. I downsized my house to help with expenses. It is very humbling to know I have to rely on the Lord for everything, even with my body. I am re-envisioning what my life will look like in the future, and it is so different compared to just a few years ago.
No, it has not changed my faith. As challenging as the past few years has been, I have never doubted God is with me, and God is good. When I cry out to God, I know he hears me. That does not mean I have not been angry with God. I am firm on God’s goodness, but I waver on my ability to discern his will. When I ask God what I should do, I do not hear him clearly.
God’s timing is a mystery to me, but I know we will make it work. I heard someone say once – it is easier to see God’s hand in the hard times because you notice the small miracles. There is no better time to draw close to God; he will show up.
* Per Mayo Clinic: Chronic fatigue syndrome is a complicated disorder characterized by extreme fatigue that cannot be explained by any underlying medical condition. The fatigue may worsen with physical or mental activity but does not improve with rest.