Control

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I am a small woman with big convictions. God is God. I am absolutely sure I am where I should be in life. That doesn’t mean every day is easy. I treasure the good moments and know there is light behind dark times. Daddy having dementia is tough for my family; we hope for more good days than bad days. He still smokes, drinks and eats what he is not supposed to. I know he is afraid of losing his mind, and he has said he would rather have a heart attack instead. This is a man who has worked since he was nine and would never be dependent on anyone. It’s hard because no one is in control, and the dominating theme of my childhood was just that – control.

I grew up in a strict environment. We ate what was cooked, or we went to bed hungry, there were no other options. I was also the true 70s latchkey kid; at seven, I could stay home by myself, granted with a list of chores. From that time, I mastered the dichotomy of following rules and deciding a path for myself. When we were teenagers, my parents bought my siblings their first cars and would have done the same for me, but I didn’t let them. I saw that because my parents had “owned” those cars, it could be taken away whenever my siblings did something wrong. Instead, I worked and saved up enough to buy my own car. My siblings and I, we all have our share of emotional issues because of the controlling environment we were raised; I’ve lived with OCD. Nonetheless, I am grateful for my upbringing as it shaped me into who I am. I am very similar to my parents in many ways.

I feel very blessed to have the career I have today, to have the responsibilities, experiences and recognition. I love what I do, and I am very proud of my team and the things we’ve been able to accomplish together. This life is very different from what I envisioned as a child. When I was about seven or eight, I told my family and friends I wanted to be a corporate lawyer for an oil & gas company. Yes, that was very specific for a girl from a small college town in Georgia (funny enough I got the idea from watching Guiding Light). I did end up going to law school, but I stayed for a day and decided it wasn’t for me. I told myself it was because I didn’t want to practice law and knew it wouldn’t be a long-term option. Looking back, the true reason I quit was that I didn’t believe I could maintain a high GPA. If I am honest, I allowed the fear of failing to determine my choice. If I could go back, I probably would have made the same decision, but I would have made it for a different reason.

I like you, but I love me. I am very self-sufficient, and that energy can be hard to live with, in a marriage. I think my ex-husband wanted to feel needed, but I wasn’t raised to trust many people. After he cheated, I could never trust him the same way again. We were married for 19 years, and two of those years were good. We stayed together for many reasons, and we came to a point where we were comfortable co-existing, but a marriage needs to be more than that. I have no regrets; God can take everything and use it for good.

Life is full of highs and lows. It is all part of God’s plan. I am prayerful in every decision. I never feel alone. I know with Him all the things that stress and worry me will be okay. I pray for strength. God has my back.

 

 

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