Infertility & Motherhood


My goal in life is to be an awesome grandmother. My children are in 2nd grade, so I have time to convince them to give me grandchildren. I adored my grandmother. From the time I can remember until college, every Friday we went to her house for Shabbat dinner.  She always made a roast and used this funny electric knife to carve the meat. Us kids would run around her and get a piece of meat before dinner.  She was the most giving person. She was frugal, but she was so generous with her time and attention.

It felt like Disney Land at my grandma’s house. She has special dishes for everything. I could play with anything, and I could touch anything. The sad part is I feel my mom is not as good grandmother to my children.  My mom said she didn’t experience her mom the way we experienced my grandma.

My mom was very strict with us growing up; us children weren’t allowed to fight with each other (I am one of six). My mom bragged about how well we behaved, and she told her friends how well trained we were – I didn’t want to feel like a pet. There is something gross about controlling people; molding them a certain way like robots. What she did, it wasn’t for us, it was to show other people, “look how great my children are”. We were perfect little kids, but we were all a little wild later.

I love my mom. And my parents imparted strong Jewish values to me. The top three values I remember from childhood were, family, education, and not stealing. Both my parents were educators, and that’s largely why my first career was a librarian. Kids become what you model.

Before our experience with infertility, I didn’t give it much thought. But when I was in the middle of it, it became a dark place. I thought I was being punished. I gave myself daily hormone shots, thinking about it nonstop. I would remember all the bad things I’ve done and then think my infertility was karma. The first time we tried IVF, it didn’t work. Then I went into a downward spiral. I felt more stressed because it didn’t just affect me. I felt awful and guilty because it affected my husband also.

Once it did work, nothing else mattered. Life with triplets is interesting. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have three healthy babies. I am so thankful for the technology. I didn’t sleep the first four months. It’s hard, but it doesn’t stick with you. You forget it. Now they are in 2nd grade, and it’s great! They are independent; they dress themselves, but they are still so innocent.

I want to raise three happy, well-adjusted people. I know this sounds bad, but I want my kids to be average, good enough. Extremes can be hard, and I don’t want them to struggle with things. Good at sports to enjoy playing, but not the best. Attractive enough so they are not made fun of, but not the most beautiful. I want them to have self-worth and confidence. I hope they will pick their friends carefully, and have people who say good things about them and believe in them.


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